The art of respectful disagreement without resorting to personal attacks has become a rare skill. As leaders, navigating this challenging terrain requires more than just diplomatic finesse. It demands a fundamental mindset shift from furious to curious.
When stress levels are high, and both leaders and teams are on edge, reactionary responses are all too common. In such moments communication tends to suffer: When you are not at your best, your communication is not at its best. But a common mistake by leaders in these moments is to shut down debate and different opinions or to react angrily because your people are angry.
However, curiosity has the power to transform leaders into skilled communicators who ask thought-provoking questions, seek to understand other perspectives even when they disagree, and welcome diversity of opinion.
The call to get curious, not furious, is not just a catchy phrase but a pragmatic strategy that can transform how leaders engage with their people. In the thick of polarized opinions, opting to ask questions rather than make reactionary or inflammatory statements like, “You’re wrong!” or “That’s ridiculous!” can be transformative. When someone says something you disagree with, you might try saying:
- “That’s really different to how I see things. Can you tell me how and when you first came to that position?”
- “Help me understand where you’re coming from. What specifically about this issue is causing such strong reactions?”
- “I want to make sure I’m clear here. Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?”
- “I can see this is important to you. Can you help me understand the personal significance behind your viewpoint?”
Reacting with genuine curiosity rather than defensiveness or anger helps you do five important things in the heat of the moment:
- Create breathing room for respect. Putting a pause between your reaction and response allows for emotional regulation. Asking a question creates the space you need to take a few deep breaths and calm down.
- Uncover hidden nuances. Asking for further explanation provides the context needed to more clearly understand where the other person is coming from. What initially seemed like an attack-worthy stance might be rooted in past experiences. You may still hold a different opinion, but gaining insights into how they got to their position fosters empathy.
- Ensure the other person feels listened to. Active listening is a cornerstone of good leadership. Everyone wants to feel understood, seen, and heard. Asking a question before you jump in with your response shows you actually care about them and where they’re coming from.
- Provide a more considered response. You can adjust your reply based on the additional information that asking a question elicited. Acknowledging the other person’s perspective and offering nuanced counterpoints contributes to a more constructive dialogue. For example, you might say: “Thank you for sharing that. While I understand that may have been your experience, from my perspective I think . . .”
- Increase your chance of being heard. Communication is contagious. By listening first, leaders increase the likelihood of the other person reciprocating. This shift from immediate confrontation to a considered disagreement sets the stage for more productive discussions.
Even if the end result is that you still totally disagree with each other, rather than escalate immediately to an argument, getting curious, not furious, ensures conversations are more likely to remain centered on ideas rather than descending into personal attacks.
Practice responding with curiosity rather than defensiveness or anger the next time you disagree with someone. Rather than listening to respond or interrupting, try responding with “Tell me more . . .”; “Can you share with me how you came to that position?”; or “What’s the story behind your viewpoint?”
Curiosity is a leadership superpower, particularly in high-pressure scenarios, periods of change, and amid divisive political landscapes. By embracing this approach—asking more questions, empathizing, and being open to different perspectives—leaders strengthen relationships and garner respect, even if at the end of the day you agree to disagree. In a world where opinions seem to clash more than ever, curious leadership is emerging as the linchpin to fostering understanding, driving innovation, and uniting diverse perspectives for collective progress.
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