Negative secrets – like a lie you are concealing or a time when you violated someone’s trust – tend to deplete us, Slepian says. In a prior study, he found that people who were preoccupied with an important secret judged hills to be steeper and believed physical tasks required more effort, as if the secrets were weighing them down and zapping their energy. Negative secrets have also been linked to anxiety and relationship problems.
Loading
Positive secrets, however, don’t seem to have this effect. Rather, people seem enlivened by them. One factor could be that people often have different motivations for keeping good news to themselves.
In another part of Slepian’s most recent study, participants were asked to think about a secret they felt good about, a secret they felt bad about or simply a current secret. They were then asked if they were intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to keep the secret – that is, if they were compelled by personal reasons or by external forces or consequences. Those with positive secrets were much more likely to report that they were keeping quiet for internal reasons, not because they felt any outside pressures. The study noted that “autonomous motivation” is known to contribute to feelings of vitality.
“You feel really in control over positive secrets,” Slepian says, “and that may be part of what makes them feel energising.”
‘Savouring’ is important
Slepian says his new research shouldn’t inspire people to withhold positive news indefinitely, though participants in the study said that keeping a positive secret made them feel energised regardless of whether they intended to share it. (He gave the example of a hobby or pastime that brings you happiness, but that you don’t necessarily want to discuss with others.)
Loading
Slepian believes the findings dovetail nicely with research on “savouring” which has shown that appreciating everyday pleasures – like what the air smells like when you step out the front door – can help bring joy and improve your mindset. Taking extra time to sit with a happy secret you plan to eventually reveal – like a desired pregnancy or an exciting life change – may have similar effects.
Slepian offers the example of giving someone a present. Sure, you can pick something without much thought and immediately hand it over. Or you can spend a bit of time mulling over what the best gift would be and envision the person’s delight. You can wrap the gift to prolong the secrecy, even for just a few extra seconds, and add to the sense of ritual.
“Positive events tend to sort of blend together,” Slepian says. “One way to sort of break out of that, and to leverage the positive experiences that we all have, is just to spend a little more time with them, thinking about them, reflecting on them and enjoying them.”
Keeping a positive secret, he says, “is like turning the dial up to 11 on that process”.
The New York Times
Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.
