I am 42, and divorced my husband of eight years in 2023. My husband dealt with our finances when we were married. Our joint savings pot was invested and managed by him. We owned a house together, which we sold and I bought a small flat with my half of the money after the divorce.
When we were married, my husband dealt with everything: from paying the council tax to bills, to investing savings and telling me when and where to put money in an ISA, etc. Ever since we divorced I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of having to manage it all on my own! My half of the savings is sitting uninvested in my account. I don’t know where to start with pensions, Isas, any of it. What should I do?
S.W., St Albans
Most of us weren’t taught about financial management in school, Vicky Reynal writes. So yours is a natural (and not unusual) response to the situation you find yourself in
Money Psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I meet a lot of adults who carry a great sense of shame about not feeling able or capable to deal with their finances. As if financial management were an innate skill! Most of us have never been taught about it in school, and in your case while it sounds like your husband might have had some experience of learning-by-doing, you haven’t because he was doing it all.
No wonder then, that you are feeling anxious about making financial decisions, lacking both knowledge and experience.
Research has shown that the less we understand about financial management the more anxious we are about it. So the first thing to say is that yours is a natural (and not unusual) response to the situation you find yourself in.
It also needs to be said that for many women in particular, having grown up in families in which traditionally it was the father who took on that role, that can leave a misguided sense that only men can be good at it. Or simply you might have identified with a mother who didn’t feel confident in this realm and so you operate from this part of you when it comes to money (with a voice convincing you that you can’t be good at it).
If this was your family experience, it will add to the lack in confidence you feel.
But rather than tell yourself ‘I am rubbish at it,’ it would be more helpful to say: ‘This is new to me and I need to learn more about it.’
And that opens up options for you: if you can afford it you can choose to hire someone to help you (a financial coach or planner); or you might want to go on a course that teaches you how to start investing your money; or even read a helpful book about it. You can also just ask friends and family what they do about pensions/ISAs etc. to begin gathering information. There are practical things you can do to become better and more confident at it.
Emotionally, I have seen women who are reluctant to get hold of the financial reins at least in part because they feel hurt/angry/grudged about what it represents: That now, they have to take care of themselves because there is no one else to do that for them.
Going through the often painful process of separation involves mourning a lot of losses and the loss of ‘dependence’ on another could be one of them, one that we struggle to let go of. We may now resent too, having to figure out how we take on the tasks that were previously shared, or delegated. Could that too, be holding you back?
In the first instance perhaps check these out – they may be of help to you. For a financial coach see WiseMonkey (www.financial-coaching.co.uk, for investing – FemaleInvest (www.femaleinvest.com/en-gb/home) and books such as ‘What they don’t teach you about money,’ by Clear Barrett and ‘The Levelheaded Investor: Your expert guide to lifelong money mastery and financial security,’ by Michael Aitken.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email [email protected]
Pre-order Vicky’s book, Money On Your Mind from Waterstones and get £4 off with the code MoneyMind24 at checkout.
