When you stand up in front of your loved ones and publicly declare “what’s mine is yours”, when you legally, formally, ritualistically create a new family, it means something. It might not make sense logically or rationally, but there’s a strange alchemy to it, a solidifying energy.
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Our marriage gave me a launching pad from which I could take a big career risk – pursuing writing full time – knowing I have a soft landing if I stumble or fall. With this gift, I had the ability to take a break from the grind and pursue a more meaningful vocation, without worrying about the mortgage or putting food on the table. And while I’ll definitely have to sacrifice fancy dinners and bougie shopping, it’s a small price to pay for my peace.
We all know wives have traditionally got the short end of the stick when it comes to career, often sidelining their dreams in service of their husbands. They were the ones who abandoned their jobs to keep the home fires burning, facilitating men’s professional lives in the process. The result of this is generations of gender inequity, including the gender pay gap and unequal division of housework, which continues to this day.
But in a healthy modern marriage, these spousal sacrifices can swing in the other direction. By offering me a financial buffer, my husband is the one supporting my ambitions, not the other way around. Could that be, dare I say it, a feminist act?
I understand not everyone has this option, and not everybody needs it. It’s a privilege to have a safety net, whether it’s parental, spousal or even social. But in a culture where we’re questioning the value of heterosexual marriage, or painting it as innately oppressive, I think this context is worth considering.
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Sure, marriage has a bit of a PR problem. Weddings are undeniably expensive and extravagant and capitalist. And for many people, being in a solid and stable defacto relationship may provide this same support. But that wasn’t the case for me. It was marriage that did it. The legal, formal, ritual of it. The weight of it.
And while this isn’t a reason to get hitched if you don’t want to, it might give us pause to re-examine our perceptions of marriage in a modern context. Perhaps it’s no longer the patriarchal prison it once was. Perhaps, with the right relationship, it could be all the things it always had the potential to be; romantic and loving, tender and supportive, a safe harbour from which we’re free to adventure, knowing someone’s got our back.
Bella Westaway is a freelance writer and editor.
