How to negotiate with a bully

Negotiations can be stressful enough, but when the person on the other side of the table or phone is a bully, you might feel like you’re already on the losing side of the equation.

However, negotiating with a bully doesn’t have to be harder. It also doesn’t have to be a me-versus-you battle, says St. Amour, author of For the Forces of Good: The Superpower of Everyday Negotiation.

“We’re so polarized today—you’re wrong, I’m right—because it’s easier,” she says. “It is more confusing to the brain to understand the nuance. When the brain is confused, it lights up the amygdala, the fear center, like a Christmas tree.”

To negotiate with a bully, you must train your brain to approach the conversation calmly. Here’s what to do.

Start Small

Negotiating doesn’t have to be only for high-stakes situations. Whether it’s settling on a theme for a presentation or struggling with a toddler, it’s a skill you can use and practice every day, says St. Amour, who taught negotiation at University of California Law Berkeley and UC San Francisco law schools.

“Everyday negotiations help set the stage for bigger deals,” she says. “When you start to internalize your voice as a competent and confident everyday negotiator, you are going to be much better equipped down the line when those higher stakes contexts for negotiation arise.”

Skillful negotiation takes rapport, which you can practice everywhere, like with neighbors or people at the gym. St. Amour likens it to getting fit. “If you want washboard abs, you do not get them by sitting on the sofa and scarfing Haagen Daas while watching an exercise video,” she says. “Actually, get on the floor and do the plank exercises for six minutes a day. You can also practice negotiation for six minutes a day. Instill it as a habit, so when the salary negotiation comes up, you’re ahead of the curve.”

Listen First

When you enter a negotiation with anyone, remember that you have two ears and one mouth, and use them in that proportion, says St. Amour. “Listening is the number-one most stealth and powerful negotiation tool,” she says. “Listen more than you talk.”

Resist the urge to fire back right away. Instead of taking the bait in the heat of the moment, stay in the refractory state. This is where you are feeling kind of worked up, someone’s pushing your buttons, and you’re getting triggered, says St. Amour, and it lasts an average of 20 minutes.

“During this time, you cannot take in any disconfirming information, any information that disagrees with your emotions, even an apology,” she says. “If you’re feeling triggered, pause, recognize it, and wait for the refractory state to pass when possible.”

Demonstrating listening also helps defuse a bully. “That person who’s being a tyrant needs you to give them some pushback so that they have something to push against,” says St. Amour. “Don’t need to supply it.”

Watch for Tactics

A bully may also say things that don’t make sense. “This is a classic, toxic move,” says St. Amour. “It’s when you can be criticized no matter what you do. If you find yourself confused, it’s because something is confusing. And that other person might be intentionally trying to make it [confusing], so get clarity.”

If the person uses this tactic, ask questions. For example, “What do you mean by that? How would that play out? Who would you need to make that happen?”

“It’s a little counterintuitive, but keep them talking,” says St. Amour. “Listen for content and emotions; not just what the speaker is saying, but what makes it important to them. It’s the meta message under the superficial message, treating emotions as another category of facts.”

Let Them Get It All Out

Wait to speak until the other person has exhausted their side. Keep your focus on them, genuine listening with curiosity.

“Set aside your own story,” says St. Amour. “Your story will still be there. Waiting and listening is different from waiting patiently and quietly for your turn to talk. Curiosity is different from being quiet and nodding your head and then saying something with superficial empathy, like ‘Wow, that sounds frustrating.’ That is not listening.”

Once the person exhausts themselves and you’ve learned everything you can, ask, “Is there anything else?” “Usually that gets you the most important information,” says St. Amour. “Only then, when you finally get a ‘no’ to the ‘Is there anything else question,’ is it your turn.”

The great thing about being the first one to listen—and listen meaningfully for as long as it takes that person to get it all out—is that they are more likely to hear your story.

“They probably de-escalated,” says St. Amour. They feel seen in the way they want to be seen—seen the way they see themselves. That triggers reciprocity, so they now listen to you.”

Demonstrate Empathy

You demonstrate genuine empathy when you listen to the other person and make it about them first.

“Empathy is not a nice-to-have in everyday negotiation; it’s an imperative,” says St. Amour. “What makes it so powerful when done well is that, in expressing genuine understanding, it does not require concessions or agreeing with the other person. . . . The other side is not expecting a response of empathy. So, it flips the script, keeps you from taking the bait, and helps you manage the one thing you actually can control with practice: yourself.”

Empathy for the other person will likely impact your story. “The truth is we are not fully in charge of our own stories,” says St. Amour. Our stories are all interwoven with one another. Their story is going to inform your story. When they spoke, what did you learn? People like to say there are two sides to every story. There are actually two different stories. How are they woven together?”

During negotiation, the best you can hope for is to build rapport that opens the other person to your side. Instead of being focused on winning or being right, share your story.

“You’re unlikely to take someone else’s mind, but by sharing your story, they might change their own mind,” says St. Amour. “And that’s the best end to a negotiation.”