One of the unexpected disadvantages to the evolution of leadership, from more autocratic, tyrannic, despotic, and top-down during more nepotistic, plutocratic, violent times, to more democratic, empathetic, considerate, and inclusive in the best of times, is the common tendency to mistake leaders for our friends.
The essence of leadership has not changed in the slightest. It is still about one thing, and one thing only: namely to turn a group of people into a high-performing team, enabling them to temporarily set aside their individualistic agendas and egos, to collaborate effectively toward a valuable common goal. The rest is details.
The same goes for employees. Though everybody appreciates being liked by their boss, even if such positive estimation is based on personal factors or reasons unrelated to one’s actual performance, most people enjoy being managed by someone fair, equitable, and interested in being objective in their evaluation and treatment of others, even if that intent is sometimes inhibited by the inherent subjectivity and bias that characterizes human beings.
Fairness is not treating everybody the same way, but as they each deserve and prefer to be treated. This makes the job of managers and leaders quite challenging. In an age in which organizations push for diversity and inclusion, and managers are tasked with enabling collaboration among people from different backgrounds and walks of life, it is not always intuitive to work out what makes each tick, and how to personalize your leadership style without creating inequities.
At the same time, one size will not fit all, and being oblivious to the rich range of individual differences that make each person unique, and different, from others is out of touch with reality and counterproductive.
Take the question of how much employees want to share with their boss, or how involved their boss should be in their personal or private life. Research shows that negotiating, setting, moving, and adjusting boundaries between work and life is foundational to a healthy relationship between employees and their bosses.
Just like many people are completely disinterested in bringing their whole selves to work (even if this would be welcome at home, where their whole selves are not always tolerated!) the majority of employees want to keep some distance between themselves and their direct line manager, just like they would rather keep some distance with their manager’s whole self.
Most of the counterproductive behaviors managers and leaders display, from incompetent leadership to bullying, harassment, fraud, and general toxicity, are a direct consequence of their inability to manage their professional reputation and work self. They let their dark side tendencies creep into their work persona.
Research on tracking and surveillance software has long highlighted employees’ concerns about being snooped on by their boss or leadership. The rise of AI-scraping tools, such as large language models trained on internal data, will no doubt exacerbate the situation. Although it is probably preferable to be monitored by an algorithm rather than your boss, irresponsible uses of creepy AI and analytics can harm trust and morale.
Contrary to popular belief, the ideal boss isn’t your best friend or someone who cannot appreciate the boundaries between your personal and professional self. Rather, it is someone who can help you add value to a team and organization, enabling you to perform beyond your expectations, develop your talents, and unlock your potential.
This does not require getting acquainted with your private life, or knowing personal details about your preferences, interests, and hobbies. It simply means knowing your skills, abilities, and expertise, and how to incentivize you to perform to the best of your capabilities. Their ability to do this will increase if they can pay close attention to your behavior at work, which does not require them to know your extra-professional habits, guilty pleasures, or core values, let alone who you are deep down.
A great boss is neither your best friend nor your psychotherapist. They are committed to getting the best out of their team, which requires a solid understanding of how you fit in, what functional and psychological role you play, and how to improve your performance.
There are, in fact, many advantages of deliberately ignoring your self and acknowledging that, as a human, you inhabit multiple selves. There’s no reason to assume that your work or career should encompass all of your self-complexity.
One advantage is to separate your personal beliefs, convictions, and preferences, and the value you bring to the team. The more someone, including your boss, knows about your private life, the more likely they are biased, either against or in favor of you, which diminishes team inclusivity.
Another related advantage is to respect your desire to share what you want to share, and vice versa. While some employees may assume that others are very interested in their personal views and private lives, many others will want to create some distance between their professional and personal selves, and managers can help them achieve that.
Finally, there’s no conflict between showing empathy, consideration, and support for employees and staying away from their personal lives. Managers and leaders have no business snooping around their workers’ privacy, which does not interfere with their willingness or ability to show an interest in their well-being, engagement, career satisfaction, morale, and performance. That’s the bit that matters the most.
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