No one enters a relationship or initiative wanting it to fail. Yet sometimes the fairy-tale ending is out of your control.
And when it comes to cofounders, statistics are not on their side. According to 2023 data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, only 25% of new businesses make it beyond 15 years. Financial issues and market changes are the most common reasons, but when there are multiple founders, it complicates not only how you handle the day-to-day but also how you react and respond to outside pressures.
That first (or second or third) cofounder fight is a telling indicator. To get unstuck or break a cycle of strife that pushes your vision and goals even further away, you need to start with an understanding of the dynamics of relationships and communication.
The Five Stages of Cofounder Relationships
There are five traditionally accepted relationship stages, and they apply to any relationship. After all, you don’t stop being human when you enter the workplace. They can follow either a predictable or nonlinear path, and sometimes they repeat.
The first is the honeymoon stage. This is when you and your cofounder(s) experience that initial euphoria as innovators and changemakers, and everything exists as an opportunity.
After six months comes the uncertainty stage. This is when the blinders come off, the rose-colored glasses begin to crack, and the stressors of fundraising, product planning, and marketing and selling reveal little things that may signal big problems down the line.
Next is the adjustment stage, which usually comes around the two-year mark. This is when you and your cofounder(s) come to terms with where you started, where you thought you were going, and where you are now.
This is often the stage where the most conflict arises, because you start questioning whether you’re compatible for the long term. If things look promising, your relationship moves into the commitment stage. At five years and beyond, you’ve seen it all and have typically found a way to work through the conflicts and decided that any pain is worth the gain
Resolving Conflicts in the Adjustment Stage
Let’s say you’re in the middle of experiencing conflict during the adjustment stage. How can you and your cofounder(s) bridge the gap?
Start by acknowledging the personalities of your cofounder(s) and how they might receive certain messages. Founders tend to be creative and passionate individuals. These characteristics, combined with the need to move quickly, means that the leap from idea to implementation has enormous potential for misinterpretations and missteps.
At this stage, it might seem devastating to think you have a cofounder whose view, approach, or goals have diverged from your own. But as catastrophic as that may seem, it might not be the reality. It’s possible you were so caught up in the excitement that you were having what executive coach and author Rose Fass calls chocolate conversations, which she describes as follows in her book Chocolate Conversations: Lead Bittersweet Change, Transform Your Business:
● Worldviews. These are our assumptions and beliefs. Often we use language and analogies that reflect our point of view without considering that ideas may have multiple meanings if someone doesn’t share that point of view.
● Standards. These are the rules and guidelines that direct our actions, derived from our own experiences and values. If you don’t explicitly state something, someone else may operate from standards shaped by different social, moral, religious, and/or professional beliefs.
● Concerns. These represent the gap between our expectations and our experience. What one person prioritizes as an annoyance or something to champion may differ from what another person would choose.
Getting Back on the Same Page
Once you have identified where you might have cracks (or chasms) of misunderstanding, you can start to work on repairing the relationship. Empathetic listening, open questions, and nonviolent communication techniques can help you fix what ineffective communication may have broken.
As the name implies, empathetic listening requires you to listen and ask questions that reflect another person’s feelings so you can better understand and empathize with their story. You’ll want to refrain from interrupting, even when you disagree, and clarify that you understand their point of view by summarizing what you heard before responding.
Often, we hear what someone is saying and start to prepare our response before they’ve finished. It is okay not to have an immediate answer. In fact, taking time to gather more information and reflect on what you have heard demonstrates respect for another person’s thoughts.
Try asking honest, open questions to help determine if you are, indeed, having chocolate conversations or if something else is going on. “Open” means you don’t already have the answer, you don’t have a preferred answer, and you’re not trying to steer the conversation in a particular direction.
Focus on the who, what, when, and how, but NOT the why. The “why” makes it easy to ascribe motives and apply judgment. Like in any healthy relationship, all participants should feel safe in expressing themselves wholly without fear of negative consequences. Instead of being defensive, practice the four steps of nonviolent communication: observe the situation, identify your feelings, state your needs, and make a request.
Most relationships are neither easy nor epic. But being mindful of how you and your cofounder(s) communicate can help you better navigate the road to your own version of happily ever after.
