Everything came with a warning with my dad. He had the worst anxiety in the world of anyone I’ve ever met and was extremely risk-averse. I remember getting really excited about it snowing outside and my dad sat me on the bed and told me the story of a boy at his school who was blinded by a snowball. I was traumatised by that, and other endless horror stories.
My dad also had a massive ego. He was in this mod band called Relay. Instead of reading us bedtime stories he’d bring his guitar in and talk about the band. He once told us he wrote the song Tambourine Man. For years, whenever I heard it on the radio, I’d think: my fucking dad wrote this. I eventually challenged him on it. He said, “I never said I wrote that,” but he fucking well did.
Our upbringing was unconventional, but we just thought it was the norm. I once shared a mattress with my brother, Charlie. We’d been evicted from the home my parents were renting. They’d not paid their rent for five months; we ended up in a tiny two-bedroom council house, where my parents still live. We were actually in our 20s at the time. What happened if one of us pulled? That never happened.
My experience of Rada was traumatic. The tutors practised the Stanislavski Method. Us students were made to talk about our experiences of rape and miscarriage in order to be as “real” as possible. It was bollocks. Acting is just pretending. You can either do it or you can’t.
This Country changed everything. My whole sense of self-worth shifted. I was validated. People were like, “Yeah, yeah, they’re going to write something, of course they are.” But we did. We had zero money before. I couldn’t even afford tampons. Now I don’t have to think about money. It’s brilliant not to be on the hamster wheel of worry.
How do I chill out? I masturbate. I love reading books. I really love ghost stories and walking around haunted places. I’ve seen a ghost – it was underwhelming.
Meeting Rami Malek at Jimmy Carr’s party blew my mind. His girlfriend was a big This Country fan. Did he offer me a part in his next film? Did he fuck.
I feel pressure to maintain success, but I’m not as ambitious as I used to be. If this is my lot, I’m happy with it. As long as I can keep doing my Cameo videos, that’ll do me.
Being famous is fucking brilliant. I can just ring up Pizza Express and get a table there on a busy Saturday.
The next thing I want to do is write a film. That’s what Simon Pegg did. I remember him saying, “Money wise, don’t bother with TV series, the money is in movies.” So I’m going to give that a go. If that fails, I’m going to start my own OnlyFans account; whatever is the least amount of effort. I’d charge punters £100 for me to say, “You’re a cockwomble” to them.
My ultimate ambition is to write the film script for Katie Price: The Movie. I’d play Katie and I’d make it win an Oscar and if I could get my tits done like hers on a production budget, then that would be the dream.
I’m sure people think I’m a gobshite and a show-off. I’d like to think that people think I’m open and honest and that I just can’t be anything other than me. I have no filter at all.
Password is on ITV later this month
