Why We Love Reality Dating Shows, According to Therapists

There are many things in life I feel in control of, like how I respond to conflict or how many days a week I go to the gym. But when it comes to watching reality dating shows, self-control goes out the window.

So when my friends begged me to dive into the Love Island franchise, I tried to resist. I was already obsessed with “The Bachelor” and “Perfect Match” – did I really have the willpower for another one? Probably not.

Despite requiring a large time commitment — an hour episode every day for six weeks — “Love Island USA” became the top reality series in the US across all streaming platforms and was Peacock’s most-watched series, per Vox.

One TikToker recently asked the internet, “Is anyone else’s girlfriend absolutely obsessed with Love Island? She watches while she eats, showers, before bed, etc.” Over 5,000 TikTok users have since made videos using the sound, “I have watched 22 straight hours of Love Island over a two day period, and yearn for more.”

Like me, many others become completely enthralled with reality dating shows — no matter how bad, unrealistic, or low their success rates are. “It’s not really about the outcome,” says clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD. “People get attached to that idea that they want a certain outcome of getting married and having a happy life.”

Dr. Morley says dating shows provide a voyeuristic joy of watching people date, connect, and go through heartbreak. “What we like watching is the process of picking, because it speaks to the human species’ desire to be desired. We all want to win, to be chosen as special by one person in front of the whole world. If it doesn’t work out, we just don’t care, because they got chosen and that feels gratifying enough,” she says.

Experts Featured in This Article

Isabelle Morley, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist and founding member of The Unscripted Cast Advocacy Network (UCAN) foundation.

Kelsey Wonderlin, MEd, is a licensed therapist and dating coach.

Dr. Morley adds that the most interesting thing to people is other people — especially people falling in love. “People have been obsessed with [love stories] since the beginning of time,” Dr. Morley says. Even if reality TV looks different from the love stories of “Jane Austen” or “Romeo and Juliet,” it still resonates with the parts of ourselves that want to root for love. Just like people got invested in being Team Gale vs. Team Peeta while reading “The Hunger Games,” or Team Conrad vs. Team Jeremiah in “The Summer I Turned Pretty,” people enjoy doing the same with real-life love triangles and relationships.

Romantic relationships are craved by most people, which is why they’re especially fascinating to watch. “Whereas most people can’t relate to a ‘Dance Moms’ experience, everybody can relate to dating, being picked, being rejected, and going through heartbreak,” Dr. Morley says. “It speaks to our soul in a way that shows that are a little more niche and specific. Not all of us are going to have the chance to be picked to be in the next Marvel movie, but any one of us has the chance to be picked for the next reality TV show.”

That relatability can also lead viewers to project themselves onto cast members, Dr. Morley says, whether by rooting for someone you identify with to win or for someone that reminds you of your ex to lose. And whereas celebrities often play a “character,” reality TV cast members play themselves. Watching someone be (presumably) authentic can lead to stronger feelings of attachment.

After the “Love Island USA” finale, my friend said she “felt like she was losing her friends.” According to Dr. Morley, this is a common phenomenon: reality dating shows “tap into our desire for parasocial relationships,” a one-sided relationship in which a person develops a strong sense of connection, intimacy, or familiarity with someone they don’t know, most often celebrities or media personalities, per Psychology Today.

And in a post-COVID world, “loneliness is the new epidemic killing everybody because we are so disconnected,” Dr. Morley says. Even if you don’t know the cast, watching them navigate highs, lows, and character growth over weeks can lead to attachment and help fill a lonely void, albeit temporarily.

“Reality dating shows really hit on the pain point of modern dating.”

Dr. Morley adds that because modern dating can be disappointing, “people are desperate to watch people date in real life.” And dating coach Kelsey Wonderlin, MEd, agrees: “Reality dating shows really hit on the pain point of modern dating.” With online dating, many struggle to build an emotional connection and complain about the superficiality. And a show like “Love is Blind,” which requires contestants pick partners before seeing their physical appearance, touches on an open-mindedness that feels missing from the apps.

What’s more, even if these reality-television relationships don’t pan out, there are prolonged discussions about why and what might’ve gone wrong. People are tired of the “ghosting” and “breadcrumbing” that’s come with online dating, and reality dating shows portray the full scope of face-to-face rejection, confrontation, and heartbreak. Wonderlin says, “We get to see the behind-the-scenes of other people’s relationships which we typically don’t in real life.”

These shows offer viewers a chance to compare their own relationships, whether by identifying red flags and toxic behaviors or learning how healthy relationships are built. Conversely, watching the chaos of reality TV couples might make viewers feel better about their own relationships. “We all just want to get lost in somebody else’s dramatic life for a while,” Wonderlin says.

Plus, Dr. Morley says that many of these shows have an element of “location porn” and “wealth porn” — the infatuation with viewing stories set in absurdly beautiful places or with outrageously wealthy characters – that appeals to a desire for escapism. On “Love Island USA” and “Too Hot to Handle,” singles are sent to secluded villas in Fiji and Turks and Caicos. On “The Bachelor,” they visit a new country nearly every episode, experiencing extravagant, expensive dates like skydiving, empty amusement parks, and helicopter rides. “You don’t see anybody sitting in their tiny hometown hanging out for a whole season,” Dr. Morley says.

At the end of the day, it’s all still produced. “The intention of these shows is to evoke a heightened emotional experience for the viewer,” Wonderlin says. And they have two different ways of doing so: by presenting a “dumpster fire drama element where you can’t look away” or the “romanticized rom-com movie experience.” And we fall for it every time.

Jordana Comiter is a Florida-based freelance writer who loves writing about entertainment, wellness, and dating trends. Her work has appeared in PS, Women’s Health, People, and Business Insider, among others. She is a proud graduate of Tulane University and Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism.