When people meet you for the first time (or even hear about you), your reputation isn’t a blank canvas. People have already drawn conclusions about you based on the few status- and power-related details they know (such as your demographics and occupation).
Then, confirmation bias kicks in. Confirmation bias, one of the most well-documented judgment errors in all of psychology, is the tendency to interpret new information in a way that is consistent with, thus confirming, beliefs we already hold. Imagine, for example, you see someone raising their voice. What story would you tell yourself? If you held a prior belief that this person was helpful, sincere, agreeable, confident, and competent, you might conclude that the person was reacting justifiably to some negative event or provocation. But what if you saw the same frustration emanating from a person you believed to be quarrelsome, unsympathetic, dominant, and controlling? Here they go again, you might think, acting like an aggressive bitch and unfit to lead. Or consider someone speaking up in a meeting with a new idea. If you saw the person as sweet and friendly, yet timid and unassured, you may dismiss their idea. Surely they have nothing of value to add. But what if that same idea came from someone kind, thoughtful, confident, and knowledgeable? Now you’re all ears, of course.
Differences in initial reputations, combined with confirmation bias, explain why we can behave just like the guy in the next office and get wildly different results. The high status inherent in being a man, specifically a white man, leads to a default reputation that’s more favorable than either of the default reputations that befall lower-status individuals, like women: sweet and submissive, or dominant and bitchy. These reputations serve as the prior beliefs through which future behavior is viewed.
Annoyingly, this means that cultivating a likeable badass reputation is more work for some people than others. Those who are handed high status simply need to maintain their reputation—which isn’t very hard, thanks to confirmation bias. Those who begin with low status are forced to change their reputation, which takes some strategy. As a case in point, consider the experience of Joan Roughgarden. Joan transitioned from male to female during her tenure as a biology professor at Stanford University. When Roughgarden’s colleagues perceived her as a man, they took her competence as a given. After her transition, though, Joan found she had “to establish competence to an extent that men never have to. [Men are] assumed to be competent until proven otherwise, whereas a woman is assumed to be incompetent until she proves otherwise,” she recalled. “I remember going on a drive with a man. He assumed I couldn’t read a map.”
Why things can get worse as you advance, not better
It’s also perplexing to see women experience more mistreatment, not less, as they advance in their careers. As a case in point, Jennifer Chatman and colleagues conducted a brilliant (and depressing) study examining 15 years of teaching evaluations for male and female business school professors at one U.S. university. For female professors only, they found middle-aged professors received lower student ratings than younger professors. At first glance this is surprising, as you would expect a professor to improve with experience, and to see this reflected in student opinions. This happened for the men, but not for the women.
However, this finding is very predictable when we consider women’s status and power over the life cycle of their career. Remember that people who lack both status and power are seen as warm, but submissive. This isn’t as advantageous as a likeable badass reputation, but it’s not terrible. People don’t see you as very competent or capable, but they still like you. However, the low-status, high-power reputation—assertive and cold—is a recipe for misery. We’ve found in our work that this reputation for hostile strength is the worst one to have. People perceived as assertive and cold are the most likely to experience incivility—low-intensity harms of ambiguous intent.* Examples of incivility include subtle rudeness (e.g., ignoring another’s input; neglecting to say “please” or “thank you”), withholding information that could make someone’s job easier, using a condescending tone in conversation, interrupting someone, and devaluing their performance.
* If you’re wondering, incivility and microaggressions are generally the same thing, though the latter term is usually reserved for when the target of the mistreatment is a member of any marginalized group, implying a specific charge to the interaction.
Lacking status makes it harder to get power, but if we somehow defy the odds and snag the title or the paycheck, we assume life will be peachy. Sadly, the opposite is true. As soon as we’re seen as a low-status powerholder, we’re typecast as assertive and cold—and then others’ claws come out. This is what happened with the professors. The female professors who were fortunate enough to advance in their careers gained power. As they did, they experienced a shift in how they were perceived, for the worse. When we’re young and powerless, we’re seen as sweet and harmless, even if we also have low status. However, if our status remains unchanged and our power increases, we may awaken one day surprised that others are suddenly judging us more harshly, and treating us worse, than they ever did before.
This pattern is not limited to academia. In 2021, record numbers of female senior leaders left their corporate roles, relative to their male peers. For every woman who was promoted to director level in her organization, on average two female directors quit. One of the top reasons cited: greater instances of incivility at these ranks, such as having their judgment questioned or others implying they weren’t qualified for their jobs. And these microaggressions were even more frequent for Black women leaders.
These results are particularly troubling given what we know about the impact of incivility. While the behaviors are less overt than bullying or aggression, the psychological effects of incivility can be just as severe. Recipients of incivility experience greater emotional exhaustion, depression, stress, and lower life satisfaction. At work, those subject to uncivil treatment are more likely to engage in workplace deviance, be less helpful, exhibit worse task performance, feel less engaged and satisfied with their work, and experience greater psychological withdrawal, as well as higher turnover. In sum, incivility is psychological torture. When we subject our top talent to this torment, namely senior women, it’s hardly surprising that they sprint for the exits.
Why you’re revered one moment and reviled the next
For anyone who has been a low-status powerholder at some point, these results may hit very close to home. They also explain why our identical self can be horribly mistreated in one environment and beloved in a different one. Take, for example, retired professional poker player turned cognitive psychologist Annie Duke. Before earning her PhD from the University of Pennsylvania and authoring multiple bestselling books on decision-making under uncertain conditions, Duke was one of the winningest female poker players in World Series of Poker history. As of 2023, she still ranked among the top five female all-time money winners, more than 10 years after her retirement.
When Annie and I became members of the same book authors’ group, I was starstruck. Annie had long been a likeable badass in my eyes—as a lover of poker, gambling, and all things Las Vegas (I even got married there), I spent way too many hours in graduate school watching televised professional poker events. My initially high opinion of her was reinforced after listening to her brilliant advice meeting after meeting. However, when I reached out to her for likeable badass tips, she confessed that she didn’t think she fit the moniker because “lots of people in poker didn’t like” her. Only about 5% of the World Series poker players are women, and Annie—an Ivy League graduate (times two) and a mother of four—was unique even among the female minority.
Many fellow players resented the disproportionate media attention Annie received, and let it be known, even though she was the first to admit that her unusual profile led to increased exposure. Her power in the sport increased further as she won more money and titles. This success improved her relationship with fans, like me, but not with fellow players, who seemed to dislike her more with each victory. When she started speaking to companies about making smart decisions amid uncertainty (a skill she had honed, in part, through poker), she was struck by how “nice” everyone was to her.
Ultimately, the contrast between how she was treated in poker and how she was treated as a speaker prompted her to change professions and become an educator through speaking and writing.
For Annie, these disparate reactions were frustrating and perplexing. After all, she was the “same person” in both situations. However, as we discussed her experiences, I pointed out that one very important thing about her did change across audiences—her status. Among poker fans and corporate leaders, being a successful professional poker player is a mark of high status, regardless of gender. However, among other professional players (most of whom are men), being a female poker player is a low-status role, no matter how much you win. The more successful she became in poker, the more power she attained—particularly her ability to control a coveted resource, media coverage—and the more she was treated as a low-status powerholder. The business leaders in her audience were no more or less nice in general than her poker competition, but they were nicer to her because they saw her status differently.
You may not see much reason for optimism in Annie’s story, but I do. Her experience is consistent with the science: Some studies have found that women experience more incivility than men, whereas others have found that gender has no effect. Although gender can affect one’s status, and subsequently how one is treated, it doesn’t always. It’s possible—very possible—for women to become high-status powerholders. To do this, though, you need to get your audience to pay less attention to your gender and more attention to your amazing qualities.
Sometimes, this may mean finding a new audience where your contributions are more valued, as Annie did. Other times, this may mean staying where you are, but making some tweaks to how you show up. The likeable badasses all around us are proof this is possible—if we adhere to two principles.
Add, don’t subtract
The harder the game, the more strategy matters. Given women’s challenges, we need to find every advantage we can to achieve the likeable badass reputation we deserve and avoid any mistakes. One critical mistake is what researchers term “compensatory impression management,” our tendency to make ourselves look worse on one dimension of the interpersonal circumplex to make ourselves look better on the other. That is, when people want to be seen as warm, they downplay their assertiveness. When people want to be seen as assertive, they downplay their warmth. This practice is very common, but problematic—particularly for those who start out with lower status.
To help you understand how compensatory impression management works in practice, let’s look at a study. Participants imagined that they had just joined a book club and had to send an email describing the current book to other members of the club. They were asked to choose from a list of 24 adjectives to describe the book, and these adjectives varied in how warm or assertive the person using them would appear. Positive words conveyed the author’s warmth, and words that were considered “sophisticated vocabulary” conveyed the author’s assertiveness (specifically competence). This led to six words in each of the following categories:
High Warmth/High Assertiveness (e.g., euphoric)
High Warmth/Low Assertiveness (e.g., happy)
Low Warmth/High Assertiveness (e.g., melancholy)
Low Warmth/Low Assertiveness (e.g., sad)
Before selecting 12 words to use in the email, participants were given different impression management goals. Some participants were told that the book club valued those who were warm, friendly, and personable. Others were told that the club valued members who were smart, intelligent, and competent. These goals affected the words that participants chose for their emails. Specifically, when tasked with appearing warm, participants chose simpler words that made them look less assertive (e.g., great instead of unprecedented). Participants who wanted to appear assertive chose more negative words that made them look less warm (e.g., mediocre instead of commendable). This tendency to make oneself look worse on one dimension to showcase the other is noteworthy given that participants didn’t need to make this choice. They could have selected at least six words—half of their required list—to showcase both assertiveness and warmth.
Given an opportunity to show up as a likeable badass, most people didn’t take it.
Everyone does this, and some evidence suggests that men do it even more than women. But I’m not a fan of this strategy—particularly for women. We saw that when people judge us as low status, they’re likely to typecast us as either assertive or warm, but not both. The last thing we want to do is to reinforce these judgments through our own actions. Because compensating is such a common impression management strategy, we may not realize we’re behaving in ways that hold us back from the likeable badass reputation we deserve. Then we conclude, falsely, that it’s just not possible to be a likeable badass.
I see this play out in real life all the time. I recall a friend telling me how her use of compensatory impression management with a client almost cost her the sale. Like many women, she had received feedback throughout her career that she was “too intense,” and she was fearful of conveying that impression during this first meeting with a potential client. Instead, she vowed to show up as friendly and likeable. She did so, however, by attempting to downplay her assertiveness. She sat politely in her chair, with her legs crossed at the ankles and her hands in her lap, to take up as little space as possible. She listened more than she spoke and smiled a lot. She tried not to “oversell” her accomplishments. Midway through the meeting, the client commented that he didn’t think she had the qualifications for the job. She was shocked and frustrated. When she displayed confidence, she was told she was “too much,” and when she held back, she was told she was “not enough.”
When I heard the story, I thought it was both predictable and preventable. My friend wanted to be liked and attempted to do so by showing up as less assertive than she normally would. Then, the client saw her as less assertive. It was a perfectly executed strategy! The only problem was it didn’t get her the outcome she wanted. Fortunately, once the client pointed this out, she was able to correct his misimpression, change her behavior in the rest of the meeting, and ultimately make the sale. Still, I offered her advice should this situation ever arise again: Add, don’t subtract. Start by being yourself, and then find ways to add assertiveness or warmth to the situation, as needed.
For example, given my work on speech styles, I’m often asked if women should speak more directly, or if they should embrace less assertive speech. My answer is the same for speech styles as it is for any other behavior: You don’t have to change it, but you should be aware of it. If you have a very direct communication style, recognize that others will see you as more assertive because of it. If that feels comfortable, great—keep it. Then find an authentic way to signal warmth. Conversely, if your natural speech style is more tentative, realize that’s a signal of warmth and look for another way to showcase your assertiveness.
In the case of my friend, I suggested that she could have showcased her accomplishments unapologetically, as she was inclined to do, and added behaviors that revealed her friendly nature, perhaps by complimenting the client on what his organization was doing well or telling a humorous story at an appropriate point in the meeting. This small tweak—from “either/or” to “both”—is a common theme that underlies many likeable badass strategies.
Play offense, not defense
For women, or anyone else who has inherited a reputation that’s neither desirable nor accurate, the key is to take action as soon as possible. The more time people have spent thinking of you in a particular way, the harder it will be to change their minds. So, you don’t want to marinate in an unfavorable reputation one second longer than necessary. Fortunately, if you act quickly enough, you can shape how you’re perceived from the outset of a relationship, without ever spending a moment saddled with a reputation you don’t want.
Building your reputation is easier and more fun than fixing your reputation. Unfortunately, I have many conversations with equally talented women who are passive—until they realize they are saddled with undesirable reputations they want to change. Only then do they look for solutions, and I’m tasked with being the bearer of bad news. Changing how you’re viewed is possible but takes much more time and effort.
As an example, consider Victoria Pelletier’s reputation turnaround. If you met Victoria today, it would take you less than five seconds to sense what a likeable badass she is. In addition to holding multiple C-suite roles through her career, she’s also an author, speaker, mentor, fierce diversity and inclusion advocate, parent, and philanthropist. She embodies excellence in service to others. However, Victoria is the first to admit that she had to rehabilitate her reputation to get to this point. At age 24, she became chief operating officer for a large multinational organization. It was a stretch role for her. She was managing more people than she ever had. Added to that, she was a queer woman, the only woman in the C-suite, and 20 years younger than her peers. Her uniqueness, intersectionality, and lack of experience made her feel conspicuous and insecure, and she “wasn’t really sure she belonged there.” So she showed up the way she thought she should—she hid her emotions and empathy, fearing they made her seem vulnerable, and leaned into her no-nonsense, all-business, take-no-prisoners style.
For example, over the course of her career, Victoria has been involved in 20 post-merger integrations, which often involve layoffs. In her early years, she would never let on—to those she had to let go, or to those who remained—how emotionally difficult this was for her, and how much sympathy she felt for those whose livelihoods were affected. Unfortunately, years later she learned that this approach had earned her a regrettable nickname among those who worked with her: the Iron Maiden. That was a wake-up call. She vowed to turn her reputation around.
She realized that she needed to add, not subtract, by showing her true warmth while maintaining her signature ambitious, driven, results-oriented approach. She found that simple things made a big difference, such as allowing time at the beginning of meetings for people to chitchat and get to know each other, or acknowledging and labeling another person’s hurt when making decisions that impacted others, like mergers, restructurings, or layoffs. It was doable, but it took time and effort. As she admits, “To undo the damage of the Iron Maiden era, I had to be incredibly intentional and consistent about being the kind of person I’d want to work for, not the one that was followed out of fear.”
But even with consistency and intention, confirmation bias made it difficult for those who knew her as the Iron Maiden to see her differently. When I asked Victoria how she was finally able to ditch that image, her answer was telling: “I transitioned to a new organization.” Building a likeable badass reputation from the get-go with new people proved to be the easiest path forward.
Plays to practice
- This week, bring task cues to your conscious awareness. Pay attention to others’ behaviors, and how assertive and warm you perceive them as a result. Pay attention to your own behavior. How do you typically signal assertiveness and warmth?
- Which is your bigger strength, conveying warmth or conveying assertiveness? Find one way to add a behavior on the weaker dimension. If you’re naturally very warm, commit to signaling more assertiveness by talking more in your next meeting, for example. If you’re naturally very assertive, look for an opportunity to showcase warmth, perhaps through a friendly greeting or offering some help.
From Likeable Badass: How Women Get the Success They Deserve by Alison Fragale, PhD. Copyright © 2024 by Alison Fragale. Published by arrangement with Doubleday, an imprint of the Knopf Doubleday Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.
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