Should I Get Back With My Ex? A Dating Expert Weighs In

This is not the article to read if you want to know how to get back together with your ex. (Cue the Ben Affleck smoking meme.) At most, this article will save you from having below average breakup sex. At least, it will be the reason you’re able to pry your hands away from your phone the next time you want to drunk text them. But most importantly, this article will explain why your ex should stay exactly that: your ex.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are the most recent example in how even high-profile celebrities who have everything going for them can’t make it work with an ex. Despite the excitement and media frenzy that surrounded Bennifer when they got back together in 2021, Lopez officially filed for divorce from Affleck on Aug. 20.

Though it’s not clear yet why the star filed for divorce, we can only assume that it may have something to do with why they broke up the first time nearly 20 years ago. But even if old issues resurfacing wasn’t the problem, past relationships are hard to rekindle. Sure, there may be love there, but the underlying issues that led to the breakup in the first place don’t just magically disappear.

With the help of relationship expert Nicole Moore, here’s your answer to whether it’s ever the move to get back with your ex.

Experts Featured in This Article

Nicole Moore is a relationship therapist and founder of the Love Works Method, a program that has helped people find lasting love fast.

Should I Get Back With My Ex?

The answer is always no unless “you are both certain that the issues you had in your relationship the first time have been resolved,” Moore says. If you broke up because you were incompatible — maybe you disagreed on politics, life goals, marriage, kids, and more — you will most likely be unable to resolve the issue.

This also applies if you have a different attachment style or lifestyle than your ex, too. For example, if you broke up because you prefer to stay in and your partner prefers to go out, it’s likely that is an incompatibility issue that won’t be fixed no matter how much love you have for them.

That said, if your relationship ended because of factors outside of your relationship like distance, work, or family issues, you could potentially benefit from getting back together with your ex if those issues no longer apply. “If you’ve realized that you and your ex were truly compatible but the timing or outside circumstances were off the first time around, it’s likely a good idea to get back with your ex,” Moore says.

Be honest with yourself, though: Did you really break up because of factors outside of your relationship? Or did you break up because of the relationship itself? Ultimately, it’s up for you to decide. But instead of doing damage control and trying to force your ex to fit into the puzzle of your life, why not find a puzzle piece that already fits?

While I’m sure you have a lot of love for your ex (and you may partly be missing the toxic sex too), focus on the bad parts of your relationship instead of the good. “If you’re having a hard time getting over your ex, it’s likely that you are focusing on the positives in the relationship and not the negatives,” Moore says. “To get over them, you do actually have to focus on the negatives.”

To help you do this, Moore suggests making a list of all the things that you needed from your ex or the relationship that you never received. When you look at the list, “remind yourself that you do actually deserve to have all of your needs met and your ex couldn’t meet them fully,” she adds. Take note of your deal breakers, boundaries, and needs in a relationship, and find someone who has all those things.

Unfortunately, love is not a good enough reason to get back with your ex — even if she looks like Jennifer Lopez.

Taylor Andrews is a Balance editor at PS who specializes in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, and more.