What impact can rifts have?
Sibling relationships are one of the most enduring bonds, says Dr Katie Wood, an associate professor and clinical psychologist at Swinburne. Through them, people learn vital conflict resolution skills, as arguments and minor fights between young siblings are generally more permissible.
“Siblings are often the person you go to in times of need, in times of despair, in times of joy. To not have that in your life, there can be a real hole,” Wood says. “Sibling relationships or connections usually also tie you to the broader family system.”
How can I reconnect?
Reconciliation usually won’t happen overnight, Wood notes. Consider writing a letter before making direct contact, she says, as this can feel less overwhelming and allows you to carefully choose your words.
Noel (left) and Liam (right) Gallagher reconnected after 15 years apart, showing it’s never too late to reconcile with a sibling.Credit: Alamy
If both siblings agree to meet in person, Wood suggests a neutral location, such as a cafe, and to keep it relatively short.
“Ease back into the relationship. Work out the rules of engagement – what do you want the relationship to look like going forward? How can you find, not necessarily forgiveness, but acceptance?”
Another option is family therapy. Anne Holloway, president of the Australian Association of Family Therapy, says it’s usually best to begin with individual sessions before shifting to shared sessions. This is to assess your commitment to reconciling and to understand the context around the estrangement.
Generally, Holloway recommends steering clear of social media when dealing with sibling conflict. “Social media is sometimes used to attack or for people to try to explain themselves. This is the worst form of communication, as it’s not in a safe, controlled environment. It has the tendency to exacerbate the conflict, and others may become involved and embroiled.”
It’s not working. What should I do?
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Genuine reconnection can only occur if both siblings are willing to listen and understand the other’s perspective, Holloway notes. One person cannot force the other to bury the hatchet.
If both siblings agree to work on the relationship but progress has stagnated, Wood suggests mediation. Several mediation organisations, including free-of-charge services, offer a neutral third party to help people navigate the path to resolution.
However, sometimes, people are simply not ready to reconcile. In this case, Wood says it’s crucial to find peace with the situation. This requires a fair deal of reflection and introspection.
“It’s like a death in some ways, it’s a grieving process. Try to reconcile not having that person in your life and shut the door on that. You could journal about it,” she says.
“Sometimes, people might realise that if the person wasn’t their sibling, they probably wouldn’t associate with them in life. There’s a lot of unpacking and complexity involved.”
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