The Gaslight Tango is always the creation and interplay of two people: A gaslighter, who needs to be right to preserve their own sense of self and to keep a sense of power in the relationship; and a gaslightee, who is manipulated into allowing the gaslighter to define their sense of reality because they idealize the gaslighter and seek their approval. When someone you have chosen to trust and respect speaks with certainty— especially if there is a grain of truth in it—it can be extremely difficult not to believe them.
Neither of you may be aware that gaslighting is happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe that they are saving you from yourself but they are driven by their own needs to seem like a strong, powerful person–they must prove they are right, and you must agree. And even if only a small part of you feels the need for your gaslighter’s approval, you are susceptible to gaslighting.
How can you stop it? Here are some suggestions.
Avoiding
Identify the pattern. Although your boss has gaslighted you, suggesting that you’re emotionally unstable and unable to handle pressure, you don’t yet know whether they engage in this type of gaslighting all the time or only in response to certain situations, such as when you make a mistake, do exceptionally well, or seem to be having difficulties. Knowing your boss’s gaslight pattern can help you figure out what you can and cannot tolerate. It can also help you identify when the best time to interact with the person is.
Find out what your boss is willing to do. Does the gaslighting inevitably result in punishment—altered work assignments, docked pay, dismissal—or is it only a psychological game? Again, when you see the situation clearly, you can decide on your own limits and have a conversation with your boss about what is and what isn’t possible. It may be that they have no flexibility and continue to gaslight. In that case, leaving or setting limits will be your choice.
Figure out how much contact you need to have. Some bosses are central parts of our working lives; others function more as offstage figures. No one likes to be gaslighted by a boss, but the behavior may be easier to endure if they play a relatively minor role in your day-to-day life at work.
Stopping the Dance Once It Has Begun
One of the biggest hooks that keep us in gaslighting relationships is our need to be right. Worrying that we’re not being fair, that we’re too sensitive, or that we’re making too big a deal of something can be a powerful silencer, leaving us vulnerable to another person’s manipulations. But if we focus on how we are being treated, we cut through a lot of the confusion.
We desperately want to be seen as nice, kind, generous, nurturing, understanding, or responsive to a partner’s needs. Instead of thinking about how our partner is treating us, we put all our attention on how we behave. But it can also be a way to avoid seeing that our partner is treating us badly.
Don’t Debate What You Know to Be True
You want your partner to get the message that you’re not open to arguments about these topics. You know what’s true, and you are not going to engage in ongoing discussions about it. Some things are not open for debate.
Your job is to resist criticism used as a weapon and maintain a true, balanced, and compassionate view of yourself. This is no easy task when you are faced with gaslighting, but it’s essential to preserving your sense of self.
It can be very challenging to stop the Gaslight Tango, and most change happens in fits and starts. As long as you stick with it, you’ll make progress. And if you’re not making the kind of progress you’d like, consider finding a therapist, a support group, or some other type of help to give your efforts a boost.
Excerpted with permission from The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide (Penguin Random House) by Robin Stern.
