Therapy can also be a useful resource “for people in the dating scene to get really, really, really self-aware,” says Lisa Blum, a clinical psychologist. That might mean unpacking childhood experiences and previous relationships with a professional. “You have to ‘fix your picker’ so you’re not inviting in relationships that really don’t serve you,” she says.
Set boundaries on the apps
Dating clutter, like all electronic detritus, can easily creep onto your phone. There are no hard and fast rules, the experts say, but White advises using no more than two dating apps at a time to avoid being overwhelmed.
Burns recommends communicating with no more than three to five people at once – and making a mental commitment to message anyone whom you “swipe right” on. That helps ensure swiping isn’t a “mindless process,” or about a temporary “ego boost,” she says. It can also help to set a time limit for swiping and communicating with matches, like 20 minutes a day, she says – and to delete contacts or conversations that have fizzled.
If you feel any sort of connection with a match, try to move your interactions offline as quickly as possible, Fager says. He acknowledges how daunting and time-consuming it can be to go on a date or even call someone, but texting endlessly also takes a lot of time and mental effort.
“I think it’s better to save up your energy for that one meeting,” Fager says. That way, he adds, you’re not projecting your romantic hopes onto “30 different” unsuitable matches.
Beware of ghosting
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Fager knows there are times when ghosting may be necessary, given that matches can sometimes be dishonest or even dangerous. But closing the circle, when you are able to, can be restorative for both of you, he says.
“I completely understand the impulse to ghost. I have done it,” Fager admits. “But I think people don’t realise how much it leads to things like burnout.”
The lack of closure can be emotionally exhausting on all sides.
Keep it simple, he says. Rather than dragging out an online conversation, or hanging on to a “situationship” that’s not going anywhere, you might say something like “this doesn’t feel like a match,” Fager says, or just “goodbye”.
Listen to your gut
There are often moments, in the early stages of getting to know someone, that can offer a glimpse at how they will treat you down the line, Blum says. Paying attention to those can help offer clarity, she says.
Blum gives the example of a friend who struck up a promising conversation with a man she met in a restaurant. But on their first date, he insisted on taking her to a seafood restaurant, even though she told him she was a vegetarian. He proceeded to order a giant seafood tower, while she picked at the only salad on the menu.
“We tend to make excuses and try to explain away the behaviour,” Blum observes. Don’t invest your hopes in a match that starts off on the wrong foot, she says: “That’s part of decluttering from the very start.”
The New York Times
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