When I was 20, I remember sitting beside a guy I liked on a bus with other students from my private, very conservative Christian boarding university when a popular song called Maneater by Hall and Oates came on the radio.
It was 1986, and I felt self-conscious because his friends sat at the back of the bus watching us. I really wanted to make a good impression on them. But then they started singing, inserting his name into the lyrics: I wouldn’t if I were you, I know what she can do, She’s deadly, man; she could really rip your world apart. Mind over matter, Oh, the beauty is there, but a beast is in the heart. Watch out [boy’s name], she’ll chew you up.
As a young woman who’d grown up as a preacher’s kid, I’d had too many boyfriends, according to some. In my community, you couldn’t be too friendly or unfriendly, nor too curious or opinionated, and certainly not exude any form of sexuality – intentionally or not – without being thought of as dangerous.
Marrying at 25, I felt like I was finally entering a safer realm of sexuality, one that was dampened by wifedom and motherhood. Divorced 30 years later, I now feel like a “born-again” virgin.
Oh, the irony isn’t lost on me: once viewed as too experienced, I’m now virtually clueless about modern dating! It’s funny. How does a former “maneater” navigate today’s dating scene?
I’ve narrowed it down to three options. I could take the casual route: Bonk my brains out and see how it pans out. (Not appealing.) I could return to my conservative Christian roots. (Also not appealing.) I could embrace the single life. (Also, also not appealing). Or I could venture into the world of dating apps. (Daunting!)
Debbie Hooper with her pooch.
Is it admirable or laughable that I’ve had very few sexual partners in today’s hook-up culture? How do I balance my desire for meaningful connection with the often superficial nature of app-based dating? I’ve dated two men on a grand total of three dates in the three years since my separation.
It got to a kiss goodbye after the second date with the first guy when I involuntarily pulled away. I didn’t mean to. I was just not ready for that.
