Some people make resolutions – I create lists of things to ban.
I originally had 10 items, including farting on planes (at the very least, we should ban Mexican food in airport departure lounges) – yet after considering all of mankind’s deepest problems, from violent conflicts to global warming, I’ve condensed it down to the essentials:
Leave it out: Petrol-powered leaf blowers have been banned around the world, but not here.Credit: iStock
Standing too close to someone at a self-checkout: Hell is other people, especially at the supermarket. What is it with people who, rather than waiting patiently at the head of the self-checkout queue, will sidle up and hover over your shoulder while you’re still checking out your groceries? What makes this even creepier is when there are other terminals they can lurk behind: but for some reason they decided on yours.
This is such a common problem that online forums are filled with suggestions on what to do – the most popular one, of course, being to pass gas. Since I lack the intestinal fortitude to fart on command (and I’m a civilised human being), I instead propose cattle prodding these cretins until they respect our personal space. After all, supermarkets are supposed to be society’s cornerstones of conformity: the least we can do in them is behave.
The term “content creator”: Everyone thinks they’re a content creator these days. It drives me nuts. Having a social media account does not make you a creator; it makes you someone with too much time on your hands. And being an influencer doesn’t mean your opinion matters more – it just means you’re shameless enough to ask for free stuff.
What truly worries me, though, is when professionals start calling themselves content creators.
The other day I walked past a place that called itself a content-creation studio. Not knowing what that meant, I had a closer look. It was a photographer. If you’re a photographer, call yourself a photographer. If you’re a writer, say you’re a writer. If you’re an influencer, you’re a deadbeat.
I’d like to ask all of you to ban the term “content creator”, but I might not need to. Thanks to the Australian government’s upcoming ban of social media for those under 16, coupled with social media companies’ inability to keep their platforms engaging (Facebook, anyone?), social media as we know it might soon be as dated as VCRs. As such, let’s roll on to my next grievance:
Petrol leaf blowers: I know, I know: we’ve all heard people bitch about leaf blowers, which are about as popular as writers who create lists of things to ban. And yet, they’re still here: driving us insane as they drown us in noise and fumes.
