Imagine if Brussels was hosting the 2024 Olympics. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
But believe it or not, while the EU’s capital might not have the necessary infrastructure to hold the world’s largest sporting showpiece, there are some events that it would be ideally placed to host.
We took a look at nine of the best.
Kicking the can down the road
This is the blue ribbon event of any Brussels Olympics, where decision-makers compete to see how long they can put off making a key decision.
Much like Usain Bolt in the men’s 100 meters, U.K. and EU negotiators put the world record out of reach for generations during the protracted Brexit talks of 2016-2020. Some say the contest is still ongoing.
Slalom
The death-defying sidewalk stroll from Schuman roundabout to Arts-Loi is Brussels’ answer to the 3,000-meter steeplechase. But with added danger.
Successful completion requires the physical ability to dodge flying bikes and speeding e-scooters, and the mental agility needed to rack up style points by avoiding devious puddles and malicious loose paving stones.
Depending on weather conditions, this event can be carried out on foot, bicycle, electric scooter or canoe.
Wolf hunting
Europe’s most dangerous wolf — GW950m — is released into the Forêt de Soignes south of Brussels, and tracked by elite rifle-toting hunters.
GW950m has so far proved to be an elusive beast, so this event is expected to last weeks, months or even years. The bookmakers have made Ukraine favorites to win, with Germany sliding down the world rankings in the last year.
Should there be a winner — and that’s no sure thing! — European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen will personally hand out the gold medal, in exchange for the pelt.
Burying head in sand
This is one of the most closely contested events, with bookmakers struggling to separate some hot favorites for gold.
Russian President Vladimir Putin raking in billions in energy profits for his war machine to butcher Ukrainians? You won’t catch Hungary expressing any concern. China aggressively repressing minority populations and threatening self-governing Taiwan? Not Germany’s problem. Donald Trump returning to the White House? Haven’t even thought about it, says, well, everyone.
Judges, try sorting out those ostriches!
Decathlon
Olympic decathletes master a wide variety of events, from running to jumping to throwing — and even the pole vault. It’s not surprising that many have the ego to match.
Brussels decathletes aren’t quite as athletic, but they (we’re looking at you, Mr. French EU commissioner) also have plenty of versatility and self-assurance.
Digital policy? Check. Sorting out the internal market? Check. Tackling the world’s Big Tech bosses? Check. Fixing the European defense industry? Check. Trying to get rockets into space? Check. Muscling out Danish rivals? Check.
The hemicycle
Who needs an architecturally iconic velodrome when you’ve got the Paul-Henri Spaak building?
For the EU Olympics, the European Parliament plenary chamber will be turned into a cycling track, in which bikers will whizz around at top speed. One catch? Instead of psych-up music, competitors must finish their attempts while listening to a four-hour speech by Belgian MEP Guy Verhofstadt.
Musical chairs
Musical chairs is a simple game: Dozens of political big beasts run around for months and when the music stops, the EPP wins. That said, much like Olympic swimming, a plethora of gold medals are awarded in this sport, though some are regarded more highly than others.
Germany is expected to retain its title in the premier EC1 class, while Portugal was a favorite for a gold medal in EC2 musical chairs — before its star player was nobbled in a pre-Olympics corruption scandal. The lesser EP1 discipline gives minnow countries, such as Malta, the chance to go home with some silverware.
Cross country dash
Who can get from one side of Europe to the other in the quickest time to share a stone-faced photo-op with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy at the Kyiv train station?
This event can be a great confidence booster for athletes who are down on their luck at home.
The Brits may have Brexited but they’re still masters of the competition. Boris Johnson may have been forced into early retirement, but the former British prime minister is still taking part in the dash to Kyiv — and the rejuvenated David Cameron (also a former British prime minister) carried out a land speed record attempt earlier this month.
Statement-drafting bee
Americans pioneered spelling events, but the EU has taken it two steps further: becoming untouchable at statement-drafting competitions.
The goal of this contest is to use the largest number of words while saying as little of interest as possible, a skill Eurocrats spend years honing. If Ethiopia produces an unusually large number of great long-distance runners, Bruges does the same for top statement-drafters.
Read the POLITICO 28 class of 2024 here.
