DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married three years, and we generally trade off spending holidays with each of our families. Because neither set of our parents is willing to travel to us, we go to them.
My mother-in-law takes great pride in hosting and sets a beautiful table. She’ll spend an entire day in the kitchen, forgoing visiting with guests and wearing herself out to present an amazing dinner. If this brought her pleasure, there wouldn’t be a problem. But, Abby, she complains bitterly about how tired she is, how much her feet hurt, how much work it is to have people in her home and how she resents it.
The thing is, she won’t let us help. I’ve offered each time to help her cook, bring dishes made ahead of time or take a turn so she can sit down. Each time I have been sternly rebuffed, as if I’ve asked something embarrassing. When I tried leading the cleanup crew, her response was a hard no. I even suggested I come a day early and help with prep work, also no. I’m pretty sure she tells her friends she has lazy kids. Suggestions? — BAFFLED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR BAFFLED: Your mother-in-law appears to love to suffer. She is a martyr, so PLEASE stop attempting to deprive her of her pleasure. Try as you will (and have), you can’t change her. Of course, you and her son could offer to take her and Dad OUT for a lovely dinner. If you haven’t already experienced enough rejection from the woman, you could give it a try. But don’t be surprised if she refuses the offer or takes this personally. What she may say to her friends about you should not affect you.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
