Dating apps are simply not doing enough to address safety. Every woman I’ve spoken to about this feels the same way. Offering the option to block and/or report users actually does very little. At this point, the damage would already have been done.
When discussing these glaring holes among friends, I always bring it back to swingers clubs, where ID is required upon entry. Male attendees are not permitted inside unless they’re either accompanied by a woman or have undergone an approvals process.
Hedonistic venues offering no-strings attached sex are looking out for their users better than the platforms supposedly designed to help us meet our life partners.
If dating apps took safety as seriously, they would be asking for government ID and cross-checking names and ages to ensure people were being honest about who they said they were. A step further could be asking users to supply referrals from women who know them, similar to the application process for the exclusive dating app Raya, but for more important reasons. (Raya referrals are just a stupid type of nepotism, not specifically about women’s safety). Even further could be uploading a police check to prove they had no history of sexual or physical violence against women.
The “free” apps are also nothing of the sort. When I first downloaded Hinge, I was getting one to two likes on my profile every couple of days. While I don’t have major tickets on myself, I am considered attractive, and I live in a big city, so frankly I expected more. It was also at odds with my experience on Feeld, where I received hundreds of likes in my first week. I was suss.
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As an experiment, I upgraded to the paid version of Hinge, and almost immediately after the payment went through, the likes started rolling in. I went from tumbleweeds to having 53 likes in a single afternoon. I am firmly of the opinion that if you’re not buying pay-to-play versions, they’re actively cockblocking you until you do.
At the moment, there is a trend among women who date men called going “boy sober”, in which adherents swear off dating apps, exes, situationships, even hugs and kisses – a positive way for women to tap out of dating feeling empowered rather than defeated. “Sober” typically means moving forward, progressing away from something that was problematic for you, and working towards a better, healthier future – and for many women, that’s exactly what being single by choice feels like.
While I’m not personally going boy sober, I have deleted all of my apps and can’t see myself going back on them anytime soon. It is incredibly freeing knowing I can just concentrate on my life, that my looks and personality aren’t reduced to four photos and three prompts, packaged up and presented for cheap, quick and callous “yes/no” swipes.
If I fancy a shag with someone who’s “not ready for anything serious”, swingers clubs are not only less laborious, but safer for me, too.
Carly Sophia is a freelance writer.
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