Your bedroom is too messy
“Studies show that clutter kills libido. A messy and disorganised space can cause stress, which is not good for our sex life,” says sex educator Portia Brown. “You may find yourself thinking, ‘Why haven’t I put away that laundry?’ instead of focusing on pleasure.”
Men’s sex coach Cam Fraser believes the bedroom should be “like a little sanctuary”, free from stresses and distractions, so that you can feel instantly relaxed and ready to be intimate in it. How do you create a sexual sanctuary? Take five minutes to declutter before initiating sex – “if you’ve got dirty clothes on the bed or the washing has to be put away, at least put everything in a cupboard, close its door and make the bed” – and don’t talk shopping lists or the school pickup in bed.
You’re cuddling too much
If one person constantly wants more cuddles, their partner can start to feel smothered. The more they pursue, the more the other can pull back from all physical affection, including sex, leading to both partners feeling more disconnected. “They end up on this merry-go-round of one person pulling back to try to widen the distance and the other trying to shrink the distance,” says Natasha Silverman, a sex and relationships therapist for Relate. “ It’s a really unhealthy cycle for both people and it can feel very emotionally damaging for the person who needs more connection.” If you can relate to this, Silverman promises “there’s nothing wrong, you’re not broken and the relationship is probably OK – you’re going through a very normal process”.
There is, after all, no right way or amount to cuddle. “It’s completely subjective,” she says. Plus, some partners may find that the more comfortable they become in a relationship, the less they want to cuddle and even have sex. It’s what is known as the intimacy-desire paradox. “After the honeymoon stage, sex often starts to take a dive. When we talk to couples, it often emerges that they’ve started to replicate a family dynamic. Living together, washing each other’s clothes and cooking dinner conjures up a lot of family memories.” Once this happens, physical and sexual touch can feel a bit unappealing. “I have a client who got really upset when her partner stroked her hair while they were watching telly on the sofa. She freaked out and said, ‘That’s when my dad used to stroke my hair!’”
To avoid this, when you initiate cuddles with your partner, ask: “Is this OK? Do you like this?” If you notice that your desire for cuddles is causing tension, step back and give your partner more room to pursue you. Silverman adds: “The way we initiate affection is often replicated in the way we initiate sex. So if you can nail this when it comes to cuddles, you can break the cycle when it comes to sex as well.”
Your ‘sexual currency’ is low
Any erotic-feeling kisses, suggestive glances and touches which happen outside sex are “sexual currency” – a term coined by Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist and author of Mind the Gap and How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life. “Sexual currency creates a current or charge between partners,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationships psychotherapist and clinical director at The Therapy Yard. Most importantly, it builds “an intimate bond and connection between sexual partners in a way that differs from relationships with others.” Not having enough of it can dampen your sexual confidence and desire.
If the idea of introducing more sexual touch outside the bedroom feels awkward, think about what kinds of flirting have felt natural or familiar to you in the past and what your partner has been receptive to, and slowly reintroduce these. “It may just be one or two things, but as you notice their receptiveness you may feel more comfortable and confident by trying different things,” Christophers says. For some, it may feel easier to intentionally increase the flirty vibes together: “It could be a light conversation about what each of you may enjoy and be receptive to, which may help to break down any barriers in initiating things such as touch, kissing and flirtation.”
You’re not initiating in the right way
“It’s not unusual for me to see people who ‘invite each other in’ to sex in a way that doesn’t work so well for their partner,” says Gurney. “Perhaps the way they do it leaves their partner cold, or doesn’t act as a trigger to kickstart their desire.” There are endless ways to initiate, from a subtle hand on the thigh to a suggestive joke. But Gurney says people rarely tell each other what their preferred initiation style is. Often, they’ll use the same method every time whether it gets the desired result or not.
Problems can also arise when one person always takes the initiator role. “A lot of people want to feel desired, but desire isn’t just when you’re between the sheets; it’s in the initiation,” says Oloni, author of The Big O. “If only one person initiates, the other might start to think, ‘Do you even find me attractive? Do you yearn for me the way I yearn for you?’”
If you’re not sure whether your initiation style is working for your partner, talk to them about how you currently initiate, and how often. Ask if there are other methods which would work better for them, hear them out and be open to any changes they suggest.
Your pet is getting in the way
“Given that attention is so crucial for sex, anything that disrupts it – like noticing the dog has jumped on to the bed – can really get in the way of our sexual response,” Gurney says. This affects many of her clients, especially those having casual sexual partners who “may not expect a pet to be a spectator when they go to somebody’s home to have sex for the first time.”
For first-time encounters, minimise surprises by asking pet-owning partners about their bedroom policy before you head there. Those in relationships should set bedroom boundaries together. Christophers says these will differ from person to person. “For some, boundaries may involve not having pets in the room when having sex, which may involve closing doors,” she says. For others, they may agree to a policy of bedrooms (or beds) being pet-free spaces.
“Sometimes small distractions – like a dog yapping at the door when you’re having sex – are unavoidable. Agree with your partner on how you will tend to the cause of the distraction (if you need to) and then reconnect with the sexual intimacy. Rather than trying to restart where you were before you left the room, allow time to relax and reconnect with feelings of pleasure to get back into the flow.” If boundaries seem difficult to maintain because you’re struggling with introducing and training the pet, speak to a pet behaviour expert for advice.
You’re exercising too much
“People who do lengthy and gruelling workouts report lower libidos on average than those who do light-to-moderate workouts,” says Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and host of the Sex and Psychology Podcast. “Frequent strenuous workouts can cause fatigue and hormonal disruptions, both of which can be a real mood killer.”
If you really enjoy hardcore workouts, try spacing them out a bit. “Alternate them with some moderate-intensity days, and be sure to take rest days here and there,” says Lehmiller. If you work out very frequently, it’s important to watch for signs that you might be overdoing it to avoid injury and maintain a healthy sex life.
“What counts as ‘too much’ strenuous exercise is different for everyone because our bodies all differ,” he adds. “Pay attention to things like chronic fatigue and low energy, negative changes in mood (depression or irritability), a drop in your sex drive, prolonged pain and sleep disruptions. These are all potential indicators that you might be pushing yourself too hard and that it’s time to scale back.”
You’re waiting until after dinner to have sex
Dinner then sex, that’s the rule, right? Wrong, says Joan Price, a sex educator and author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. “It’s harder to get aroused and reach orgasm when blood flow is going to our digestive system instead of our genitals.” This is true for everyone, but it’s especially pertinent as you age.
“Have sex when your energy level is high, such as the morning or afternoon,” says Price, “and definitely before your main meal, not after. If your schedule doesn’t allow for daytime sex, that’s what weekends are for!” If evenings are the only time you have together, either try to squeeze in sex before dinner or give yourselves time to digest before you initiate.
Your blood pressure is high
High blood pressure can also limit the blood flow to the genitals. “In the clitoris and vagina, this can lead to a lack of lubrication, sensitivity and make it more difficult to orgasm. For men, it makes it difficult to get and keep erections,” says Dr Shirin Lakhani, a former GP and now aesthetic physician. It can also lower your testosterone – a hormone that’s “critical for libido” according to Dr Emilia Pasiah, a family physician in Los Angeles.
Lower your blood pressure by adopting a healthy, balanced diet and eating less salt – or talking to your doctor about medication. Increasing physical activity, limiting alcohol and quitting smoking can also help.
You’re trying to be too adventurous
Take baby steps when you try new sex acts or positions, says Emily Jamea, a sex and relationship therapist and author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. “If something’s too far outside our comfort zone, we’re going to get a rush of stress hormones. This makes us feel anxious, inhibited and shuts us down.”
Jamea suggests making “Yes, no, maybe” sex lists separately, then comparing notes and identifying any areas where your interests overlap. Start by ticking off the least-intimidating activities on the list and work your way up to the bigger ones, together.
You don’t have a ‘sexual growth’ mindset
“A sexual growth mindset assumes that we and our partners can learn new things and want to change, to grow, to become better lovers,” says Joan Price. “The opposite is thinking that a partner’s sexual behaviour is static because people are who they are.” One problem with not having this mindset is that “you’re less motivated to figure out how to have those deep conversations about the kind of sex you’d both rather be having”.
By regularly having ongoing conversations about your sex life, you’ll keep sexual growth at the forefront of your mind and relationship. To check in with your partner, say: “I really enjoy our sex, but is there anything else that would make it even better for you?”
This may feel uncomfortable, but Price says that “as you practise talking about sex together, the awkwardness will dissipate and it will just become a natural part of your relationship.”
You could also prep in advance. “Spend some time thinking about what you want to share or ask your partner, or get your thoughts down on paper. You may even want to speak to a friend about it.”
You’re not having enough new experiences outside sex
Partners who share new, non-sexual experiences are 36 times more likely to have sex than those who don’t. “When you connect with different parts of yourself and experience excitement and joy outside the pattern of daily life, you’re able to inject more erotic energy into your life,” says Silverman. Snuggling on the sofa in your pyjamas is great some of the time, but if it’s all you ever do “you’re probably going to struggle to find that same degree of excitement and passion to inject into your sex life.”
Silverman appreciates this isn’t always easy to do. “It can feel vulnerable and exposing, particularly if our partner’s reaction is hard to predict. And when we tell our loved ones that we’d like something new or different, it can easily land with them as ‘criticism’, which can make them take a defensive stance, or even shut down entirely. To avoid this, lead with what’s working well and invite your partner in. For example, ‘I love trying new things with you. Do you want to do something like that again?’. You can also think of every criticism as an unmet wish. ‘We never try new things together’ would understandably land as a criticism. Instead, state the unmet wish: ‘It would mean a lot to me if we could share new experiences. What do you think?’”
You’re not open to receiving feedback
As well as expressing what you want, good sexual communication is about welcoming your partner’s feedback, Price says. “You could have great bedroom skills, but everyone is different, and your current partner is unlikely to react the way your last one did to the same technique or timing.” Being open to hearing feedback (and, crucially, acting on it) will ultimately make sex better. If you master this, “you’ll become a better lover for this person, and they’ll want more sex with you”.
Don’t get defensive, shut down or lash out when your partner shares their guidance. Instead, remain curious and ask for more detail so you know exactly how to put it into action.
If you find it awkward to ask for feedback, Price suggests saying this before you have sex: “How would you like me to pleasure you today?” or, “Tell me what you’re in the mood for today.” She adds: “It’s never too late to learn to talk with a partner about the kind of sex you both want, and it will enrich the sexual experience – and your emotional intimacy – dramatically.”
