“The Notebook” is celebrating its 20th anniversary this summer — and it still arguably holds the place as the tone-setting romantic drama of the 21st century.
You’re probably familiar with the story: Ryan Gosling’s Noah and Rachel McAdams’s Allie fall in love and fight for their happily ever after — despite being from two different socioeconomic worlds and contending with intentional sabotage. The Nick Cassavetes-directed 2004 film called their love “an improbable romance,” but it won over the hearts of viewers with its depiction of a summer romance that was endearing, all-consuming, and relatable in its explosiveness.
Now, though, the question is: how influential was the film on our modern notions of true love? To mark the 20th anniversary of the film, we spoke to relationship experts and movie fans alike to find out how “The Notebook” shaped millennials’ view of love and relationships — and to see if the iconic relationship portrayed in the film really stands the test of time.
Experts Featured in This Article
Bianca Busch, MD, is a psychiatrist specializing in serving college students.
Shan Boodram, MS, is a sex and relationship expert who has appeared on Netflix’s “Too Hot to Handle.”
A “Toxic but Admirable” Courtship
While many like to celebrate the best parts of Noah and Allie’s bond, things between them start off with an immediate red flag by today’s standards. Allie is on a date when she is approached by Noah, and she quickly turns down his advances. Unable to take no for an answer, he coerces her into a first date by threatening to fall from a ferris wheel. Completely smitten, Noah continues to pursue her by stating that he’ll be whoever she wants him to be.
According to Bianca Busch, MD, known professionally as “The College Psychiatrist,” that first encounter could definitely be classified as “toxic.” “That’s something that we see still today in so many different iterations,” she says. “If you don’t talk to me, I’ll take these pills . . . they have this ‘bad boy, good girl’ dynamic.”
Dr. Busch notes that opposites sometimes do attract, and that’s even more pronounced because there are life-or-death risks involved in Noah and Allie’s first few dates. For Allie, who’s “so sheltered,” it can be common to want to be associated with someone more risk-taking, Dr. Busch says. “Then, there’s also a connection that happens when you experience those sort of traumatic things together. They’re laying down in the road [and] having this experience like, ‘Oh my gosh, we almost died,'” she adds, referring to the early scene in which they slow-dance and lay down in the middle of the street in the dark.
She doesn’t feel that Noah and Allie are trauma-bonded per se, but the thrill of their initial interactions intensify their bond. Devon B. — a 31-year-old woman who’s never been in a relationship and bases her romantic ideals on “The Notebook” — agrees, and says she sees Noah and Allie’s dynamic as “toxic but admirable.”
Devon, who is being identified by her first name to protect her privacy, still dreams of this type of transformative relationship. She says that she identifies with Allie’s “curiosity” and “purity.” “It’s as if her whole world opened up when she began dating Noah, and I’ve always prayed for that for myself,” she says. “I find myself wanting men or women that can teach me about life in a way that opens me up.” She now views love “as an intense thing, like a beautiful possession,” and was first exposed to that through Allie and Noah’s love.
Shan Boodram, MS, a sexologist and author, believes the relationship portrayed in the film isn’t necessarily unhealthy. The movie is a “rare occurrence where you get to see a relationship from teen years until the moment they die,” she says. By the end, they are clearly in “a sustainable, functional, long-term partnership,” Boodram adds. “I just look at the recipe for a good relationship — fair trade and equal advancement. It seemed like each was willing to sacrifice and they were happy to give what they did. And then in the end, they both seemed to have moved ahead.”
Simone T., a 29-year-old woman who married her middle-school sweetheart, agrees. “Some people can label it toxic if they’ve never really been in a relationship where it requires them to fight for it, because some people are just handed a perfect relationship on a silver platter, whereas [other] people really have to work on it,” says Simone, who is also being identified by her first name to protect her privacy.
What Can “The Notebook” Teach Us About Romantic Relationships in 2024?
Of course, it’s important to remember that “The Notebook” is set in the 1940s, a very different time in terms of gender dynamics and societal standards. Dr. Busch points out that even things like the war draft and handwritten letters were hallmarks of the couple’s romance.
“Beautifully possessive” intensity can lead to an insecure attachment.
With that, their happily ever after likely would’ve looked very different if it were set in 2024. Simone feels all Noah and Alllie went through helped bring them back together, while Devon feels their love is somewhat “antiquated.” She notes that it’s easy to “romanticize this messy but sweet love,” but says the dynamic also made sense for that time period.
According to Dr. Busch, the movie can still spark an important conversation about attachment styles in the context of today. She notes that “beautifully possessive” intensity can lead to an insecure attachment, which can come with dependency issues, unstable views of oneself, and anxiety regarding the relationship. With a secure attachment, meanwhile, each party is free to “explore your own ideas and individuality without the fear of someone absolutely leaving you.” She also points out that we never actually get to see Noah and Allie properly apologize after arguing. They opt, instead, for grand gestures, which can lead to the audience misconstruing how to effectively resolve conflict.
For folks who grew up watching “The Notebook,” Boodram says that it could’ve impacted how they view young love. “I think that did mess a lot of people up,” Boodram says. “And creates this idea that there is this relationship that really wasn’t healthy, that wasn’t actually in line with your actual goals in life except for this shared passion, which is like the Romeo and Juliet story. So, the idea that you can have these glaring differences and then get back together years later, and none of those differences have really actually been addressed, and then it just works magically? There’s no illustration of how they worked those kinks out and then you just see that they die a happy couple. There’s so many harmful gaps that are left that create a really romantic and fucked-up narrative that I do see in a lot of people today.”
Boodram praises Gen Z for “putting a stop to that,” meaning the “love bombing, coercion, codependency, etc.” She feels that these issues are often ones that older generations were unable to categorize effectively and process accordingly. Gen Z is more equipped to spot “relationship bullshit” and call it out by name, she says.
If Noah and Allie were attempting to fall in love today, Boodram believes that “supportive therapy” could definitely help the two create a healthier bond. “You don’t have to make those final decisions like ‘if we can’t go to college together, we can’t be together,'” she says, while noting that both parties would be more aware of their unhealthy behaviors if they explored them in therapy.
Ultimately, “The Notebook” might not be the healthiest romance story ever told — but it’s the nostalgia that seems to endure for those who grew up with it. And maybe that’s why, for many, it’ll continue to remain one of the greatest love stories told on film.
Mya Abraham (she/her) is a Black, queer journalist, writer, and moderator based in LA. She’s been covering music and entertainment for over a decade for Vibe, BET, Teen Vogue, uDiscoverMusic, and Audacy through investigative deep dives, features, op-eds, reviews, and aggregated news.
