The newspaper is full of Christmas gift guides, with luxury presents costing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars. But what about those among us who are tight with funds? Surely, there’s room for a Scrooge’s Guide to Christmas gifts. Some thoughts:
A box of matches. The welcome fall in the rate of smoking, when combined with the troubling rise of the scented candle, has created a crisis in most Australian houses. There’s never a box of matches when you want it. For around $1.30 a pack, you could solve the problem for your nearest and dearest. In fact, why not buy a pack for everyone at the Christmas table and solve all your gift-giving problems in one, um, strike? Think how they will all thank you when next desperate for a light.
A can of Fabulon. Due to the appalling decline of standards in society, very few people iron clothes any more, and fewer still use spray starch when doing so. Buy your relative a single can of Fabulon, and it will sit there in their cupboard, unused, for decades – a reminder of your existence, as in the phrase: “Who gave me this? Oh, that’s right, it was that weirdo, Uncle Jim”.
Surely, there’s room for a Scrooge’s Guide to Christmas gifts?
A teabag. The British comedian Tommy Cooper, when travelling in a taxi, would pay the exact fare and then slip something into the driver’s pocket, saying, “Have a drink on me”. The driver would later fish around in his pocket and pull out a teabag. The same principle can be brought to gift giving. Why splurge on an expensive bottle of whiskey or gin when so many more drinks can be given for $4.90 with a 100-pack of Lipton? In honour of Tommy, make sure you greet the opening of the gift with a twinkle of the eyes and the phrase, “Go on! Have 100 drinks on me!”
A ballpoint pen and a pad. A well-brought-up niece or nephew will always write a thank you note for their Christmas present, especially if posted by a distant relative, so why not give them the means to communicate their thanks? That way, the present itself – which should cost no more than $3.50 – will serve to remind them of the Boxing Day hard work that lies ahead.
A packet of batteries. Imagine the scene: the other grandparents have invested heavily in a toy dinosaur with flashing eyes and an authentic roar. There’s such excitement as the child tears off the wrapping paper. But then the wave of disappointment once it’s clear the other grandparents have forgotten to buy the required batteries. “Why don’t you open my present next,” says Scrooge, watching as his $4.95 pack of batteries serves to instantly dry the tears of the sobbing child. “Oh, thanks soooo much, grandfather, you’re the best.”
Who says gift giving has to be expensive?
A can of WD-40. I haven’t been sponsored, I really haven’t, but this is such a brilliant product. No wonder it took 40 attempts before they got it right. It can do water displacement (hence the WD in the name), but it also removes rust from tools, helps loosen locks, and can assist in the removal of scratches on your car’s paintwork. I’ve even been told about an elderly relative who uses it successfully on his arthritic knees (not recommended). It only costs $9.98 a can, but it’s going to beat everything else beneath the tree.
A dishwasher tablet. Priced at as little as 32 cents, depending on the brand, this may be the cheapest Christmas gift. But at least once the meal is over and you make your way home, you can think: “I hope they appreciated the way I helped with washing up.”
