After 11 years, Newtown’s Sandy Hook tragedy is ‘so, so real’

NEWTOWN — The visitor’s first step onto the crushed gravel path introduces the soft crunch of presence into the quiet landscape. With the silence broken, the life-filled swirls of water can be heard circulating in the center.

At this time of year, with the hardwoods bare, the new Sandy Hook Elementary School can be seen just beyond a stand of trees. The plantings here are dormant except for the fiery glow of the Winter Gold shrubs, alive with orange berries, lining the curved paths and the reflection pool.

At the center of the sanctuary, looking at the names of the children and their educators etched in a granite circle, it is easy to be swept into reflection by the rewinding rotation of the water.

Families of loss in Newtown envisioned such a journey in nature when they chose the design for the Sandy Hook Memorial, which opened last year. As Newtown prepares to mark the 11^th year since 20 first graders and six educators were slain at Sandy Hook Elementary School on Dec. 14, community leaders are preparing to support those in need in much the same way nature might embrace the visitor to the sanctuary.

“The way I sometimes talk about it is there is no normal to go back to, so we are all on a journey,” says the Rev. Matt Crebbin, senior pastor at Newtown Congregational Church, and a member of the Interfaith Council of Newtown, which will host its annual remembrance service on Thursday.

“‘Moving on’ sometimes suggests that we are done with it, but for our community and our people, the journey is really ongoing,” Crebbin said. “We try to understand how we can help one another on our various journeys.”

“The gulf of our existence without Daniel was getting larger, you know — it was three days since we’d seen him, then a week, then two weeks,” says Mark Barden in “A Father’s Promise.” “I can still feel that time expanding.”

As Barden and others in Newtown have shared, the grief journey has allowed some parts of life to come back while other parts remain entrenched in pain.

“It is so, so real even though it’s been 11 years… I mean, I will never get past it, that is obvious,” says Monsignor Robert Weiss, the veteran pastor of St. Rose of Lima Church in Newtown, who presided over eight funeral Masses of Sandy Hook first graders. “On some levels I am much better, but this is always going to be with me.”

Because the anniversary falls on a weekday Newtown will strive to preserve the helpful normalcy of work and school routines, in deference to the wishes of the families of loss.

For the town that means no municipal observance of the anniversary, except that time will be provided during the day for private reflection. For the schools, that means a three-hour delay, so that children will have the support of friends and staff, and teachers will have the time they need to get acclimated.

“Understanding that everyone handles this differently, it’s best to allow time for reflection and provide people the opportunity to be together as a school community,” said Christopher Melillo, the superintendent of schools.

The families of loss in town, meanwhile, will have a private hour reserved just for them at the Sandy Hook Memorial.

For residents, an interfaith service is planned for 7 p.m. at Trinity Episcopal Church on Main Street.

But the first time since the tragedy, there will be no special anniversary Mass at St. Rose of Lima — an annual tradition that in the past has drawn the governor, the bishop of Bridgeport and other VIPs.

Eleven years since a lone gunman killed his mother at their home and massacred 26 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School before killing himself, the tragedy is “part of the fabric of Newtown going forward,” says First Selectman Jeff Capeci.

Those who didn’t live the traumatic aftermath of the worst crime in Connecticut history might not remember that Newtown as a community had to find its way back after being torn apart by grief and intrusive media scrutiny.

The community rebuilding effort focused on three projects: the raising of a new Sandy Hook Elementary School with the help of $50 million from the state, the creation of a community center with the help of a $15 million gift from General Electric, and the establishment of a permanent memorial, which Newtowners paid for themselves with a $4 million bond.

The last project took the longest to complete, in part because it had to be just right in every way, and in part because Newtown had to find its own money to pay for it. After nine years of work, Newtown opened a 5-acre sanctuary within hearing distance of the Sandy Hook school playground, in time for the 10^th anniversary of the tragedy in 2022.

Other changes Newtown navigated over the last decade included saying goodbye to two important leaders — Pat Llodra the first selectman who helped the town survive its unprecedented grief with the guiding principle that Newtown would always remember the tragedy but would not be defined by it, and Joe Erardi, the superintendent of schools, who gave his cell phone number out publicly for those who needed to talk.

In one month, Newtown will say goodbye to a third important leader from the same era — Weiss, the veteran clergyman from St. Rose who will retire in January after 50 years as a priest. Half of Weiss’ ordained life has been spent as the pastor St. Rose — the last 10 of which changed him forever.

“Spiritually and emotionally I am getting more stable, but I still tear up easily,” Weiss said this week. “It is still a big impact on my life.”

Crebbin agrees.

“The impact of all the grief of the community is still there,” Crebbin said. “We try not to say what people need to do on their own journeys.”

And what about the families of loss?

“Some conversations I have had with families of loss is that they do not want their loved ones forgotten as though the (anniversary) is like a normal day,” Crebbin said. “Some family members say they want a gathering of people to remember their loved ones, even though they themselves will never go to it.”